張拓

昨晚揮筆，再次不能自抑。哭一把，一股低沉如瀑布流瀉。經過淚水洗滌，人舒服了，只料不到今天整天墜在昨晚的情緒，沒法打起勁，不想說話。一點事能叫我惱火。

今晚難得十一時半回家，扭開收音機（其實收音機已不用扭，一按下去就是，但仍然寫扭，小時習慣多難改），不同台都有人談親人過身，是主持的親人，是來電的聽眾－－怎麼這麼巧？

不曾經歷的不曉得。有人追悔，有人自責，主持安慰看將來，因為離開的只希望在世的開心。這樣的安慰，我聽過。今天聽見，依然有感覺。

我相信，如果爸爸可以告訴我，一定這樣說，就像姐姐告訴彌留的他，我在工作，他迷迷糊糊的應著稱是。想起我就心痛，因為在他心中，工作是重要的，尤其我的行業，工作時間午出晚歸，有時不穩定，他和媽都體諒－－自己的事不重要，永遠都是子女優先，不願麻煩我們，總怕麻煩我們。他們愈這樣，我愈心痛。

當時我在歐洲，玩得很愉快。總有安慰：那時醫生都說他的情況穩定，留了在港一段時間，離開一會該沒事，沒理由這般巧。

可惜，就是這樣巧。我以後不會再犯。

七月九日，是爸的忌辰，舊曆是五月廿九。

今年那天是星期日，我沒心情出外和他人吃飯。每年這天我只想靜靜度過，我一個人去，陪爸一會。若可以，我寧可把爸的骨灰放在家，怎麼要他一個人在那兒？

英國一則新聞：Joe寫了一封情郵給Kate，Kate沒接受，倒把情郵傳出去，都要多得互聯網吧！驟眼看，這令Joe難堪，但仍有以文字示愛的男子，倒令我欣賞，何況他的文字，不差呢。想起Hugh Grant，吞吞吐吐，卻又忍不住偷望。

Hello Kate,

It's joe - we met at Andrew's party.

I hope you don't mind me getting your e-mail address from the e-mail that Andy sent to us all; it is a bit sneaky of me.

It was wonderful to meet you on Saturday, and I wonder if you would consider meeting me for coffee sometime; maybe at the Tate Modern?

OK. This is where my common sense is telling me to stop, keep it simple and positive joe.

And the probability of me listening to that voice? Experience has taught me that it is not worth putting up a fight; I will end up giving in to the part of me that never wants to find itself shaking its head and muttering 'if only'

This is the part where I throw caution to the wind; the part where I listen to my heart and remember that I should live my life as an exultation and revel in the opportunity to try; the part where I refuse to apologize for who I am; the part where I trust that the lady I met on Saturday night is, as I suspect, able to see sincerity where others would see clich.

I am fortunate enough to have been able to collect a number of special memories. They are memories of moments that made any struggle leading up to them worthwhile. They are memories of moments when I am struck by something so beautiful, time stands still and all of the ugliness in the world ceases to exist.

Your smile is the freshest of my special memories.

Regardless of whether we see each other again, I will use it as I do my other special memories. I will call on it when I am disheartened or low. I will hold it in my heart when I need inspiration. I will keep it with me for moments when I need to find a smile of my own.

I am unsure of all my motives for sharing this with you and, if I am honest, not ready to examine them too closely. However, I know that it makes me feel good to believe that maybe, if you are ever upset, knowing that I will be keeping your smile alive might help you through.

If you are half as intelligent and aware as I believe you to be, I am sure that you will find what I have written, in the very least, sweet.

If I am twice as lucky as I would dare to hope, you will find this note charming and agree to contact me and arrange a date.

Either way, I trust that your reply will be candid - you told me how much you value honesty.

One last thing, I promise that it is enormously rare for me to stray as far from sobriety as I managed on Saturday night.

Be safe. Joe

第一次認識這個字，是在ER。和George Clooney糾纏多年的護士Carol，最後還是和他分開，他則因在原來的醫院獃不下去，去了西雅圖。Carol和克羅地亞來的醫生，剛開始一段感情，但有天一個病人對她說，他的伴侶是soulmate，猛然敲醒了她，她悟道，伴侶，不是誰都可做，那個人應是soulmate。於是她立即飛往西雅圖，找George Clooney。

soulmate是靈魂的伴侶。光是想象，已覺得若有soulmate，已嚐得人生幸福之一。（我貪心，心中的幸福清單尚有健康、和睦的家人、可支持穩定生活的金錢。）

能與你靈魂感應的人，應是很高層次吧。我又問問題，他的答案和我心中想的一樣：男女朋友，丈夫太太，不一定是soulmate。聽上去好像很悲哀，但真實中好像有這些事。他續說，soulmate可以是家人和同性朋友，但不能是異性。為什麼異性不能？他答，若soulmate不是伴侶，定有不妥。

我說，我寧願形容你是我的soulmate。

有時候我對自己說：He is my rock。（從電視學的）

love和relationship有什麼分別？

love是激情的，相對較短暫的，可能源於慾望，例如性。 

relationship是持久、穩定的，兩個人關心對方，在乎對方，當中滋生了愛，這種愛是穩固的；愛，也成了relationship的養份。

relationship會產生love，love卻不一定成就relationship。

問的是我，答的不是我。

問題很哲學，我不知道答案是否正確或圓滿，但是，有這個答案，我已經很滿足。答案次要，回答前的思考才最重要。

愛情是虛榮的。我以他為榮。